There was so much on my mind that I thought I could tell you…so much that my heart contained over these years, stored safely somewhere within. It had rested there all this while, waiting patiently to reach you one day. And I thought that we were in no particular hurry. I could take my time, gather the strength, do away with all the anger, bury it down with all the sobs, and Start…start afresh with you.
But, indeed, it was not to be- as my rational self had warned me some years back. Your presence in my life used to be like a fluttering experience. I was still a little kid. You were old and retired. Remember those candies you used to bring for me?? I have not been able to find the similar kind again. You were like a magical figure to me during those years. Everything used to seem so perfect, so fine, and so ‘normal’. I had not known anything beyond that. You were the centre of all my love, my attention, my respect. I still think of those days with a tear in my eye as the helplessness grows in me that I can’t go back to them. Those were perfect moments brimming with a sentiment that I have stopped feeling now. ...perhaps, you too! They stay frozen somewhere back in time...like a mystery. And they tease me today. They tell me that I have lost a part of me with them.
I can’t even tell exactly when and why we started this journey of distancing ourselves from each-other. But I can say that both of us did our very best in this procedure!!
Did you say that I didn’t try to give words to all that that had been left unsaid? I did. Sometimes, you did too. But never together!! And the attempts ended in sheer ignorance and indifference.
Until that day when I was told that you had had a paralytic attack accompanied by a heart attack. I didn’t know how to react. I felt a strong pain taking over my senses. I couldn’t think anymore. And all those emotions that I had safely dumped in a corner of my heart started surfacing. I wondered whether I would ever be able to tell you how much I loved you. Huh! Whoever said that the fear of loss makes us value what we have was right!
I did break that barrier and spent as much time as I could manage with you. I kept sitting by your side observing every tiny detail of your existence that I had consciously ignored for so long. It might sound very unfeeling on my part to say this..but somewhere that particular fear kept lurking in my heart. I didn’t know how long you’d stay with us, with me. So, I tried to absorb in as much of your modest existence as was possible for me.
And funny as it might seem, as soon as you recovered, that barrier began to surface!! AGAIN!! I hated myself for this. I called myself selfish. But there was nothing I could do about it.
Today, I have gotten over that flux of emotions and those emotional conflicts. I am pretty much at peace with my passive relationship with you and I have accepted the fact that what has been left unsaid will, probably, continue to be left so. But, still, as I see those old photographs or as I sleep after a weary day...I dream of you. It’s true- I miss you.
