SELFISHNESS IS THY GOD.

Once upon a tome, the inconsistency of this world used to astonish me. As I grew up, I allowed my imagination to accept that this world is a happy place. It is what one believes it to be and I pushed my belief into every dimension that the word 'optimism' might have ever known! But thought is always evolving. Trying to put my ideas in sync with the reality, I have come to justifying everything that goes on around in the human zone with the word 'selfishness'.
It's true that this raises a plethora of doubts because selfishness is always seen with a negative connotation. But isn't the 'self' the highest form of our existence? Isn't it the self that we partially feel and through which we establish a connection with others? If yes, then, it isn't negative.
We are all creatures driven by needs. We want air to breathe, we want food because hunger presses us, we want water because we feel thirst, we work because we need money. Think of anything And you will be able to justify its occurence with a need.
If everything can be justified with just one word and that too out of all, 'selfishness', then what is selflessness?! Does it really exist? And if I say yes, am I not contradicting myself? Well, No. it goes around like this. The only aspect of live where we see the co-existence, rather dissolution of the two opposites is love. Love is selfish. We love because we find a happiness in it. We love because it makes us feel alive. We sacrifice for the one we love because we want to see the other happy. In love, we tie our happiness to that of someone else and it is in creating happiness for him/ her that we connect with our own happiness. So, love in its highest form is selfish. And it is this highest form of love that i call 'selflessness'. And that's its beauty. It amalgamates two opposites in perfect harmony where we see neither, we see both.

LEAP OF FAITH

A sadness sinks deep into my being as i write this post.
I have no idea where to start from. I think the best start would be by quoting a friend. When asked what the height of materialism is, he promptly replied-'' being human'' !!
N how true is that!! Being human is to feel..being human is to have hopes and expectations...being human is to want love n affection n care. And isn't that much more materialistic than wanting money n all other luxuries??!! Afterall, love is the most sought after drug n the most rarely found one too!
So, i sit back to contemplate whether being human is really worth it or not! Being human requires me to fight back pain and I am not really in the mood for that.
I decide to close my eyes and let things take their own place in my life. Off late, my intrusion in life's working had increased beyond lethal quantities. And hence, i decide to take a break. Like an ostrich , i'll bury my head deep into sand and although, i am aware that a storm is brewing outside, i will pretend that everything is ok. Maybe, when I poke my head out, the storm is really over and everything is really ok. I prepare myself to let the worst nightmares come true and i will live through them. Running away from them didn't help. Maybe, living them will. This is one of my latest strategies in the struggle for survival (Darwin sure didn't know that the struggle for survival is much more complicated than as his laws say! ).
And I call this strategy - Leap of Faith.

THE REMNANTS OF A LIFE

Sometimes, life hurts.
sometimes, you tell yourself that everything will be ok, but nothing really goes well.
Sometimes, you feel that you have reached a point from where you can't see or hear yourself...where you don't even know whether there is something of You still left in you.
Sometimes, this 'sometimes' becomes the story of your life and such stories hurt.
At this point, where nothing is anymore important for you and what really was important is no longer there, the question to be asked is- what now??
Exactly, what now??
There are two ways from here....
The first is to let go of all inhibitions and lead an overtly outrageous life. I don't know how many of you will share this feeling but I am quite sure that this is common.
The second is to come to terms with whatever your loss is and try to use your lifeless life in doing your bit for others.
Both are simply ways or strategies towards distracting oneself and I will admit that the second is tougher.
But it comes with the assurance of preserving the shattered pieces of the 'human' you once were. Maybe, in bringing smiles on other faces, you can sometimes feel the remnants of happiness within you too. And possibly , someday, when you will be dead and gone, there will be some people who will feel the loss. And that is how, perhaps, you will live ever after.

LEFT BEHIND

There was so much on my mind that I thought I could tell you…so much that my heart contained over these years, stored safely somewhere within. It had rested there all this while, waiting patiently to reach you one day. And I thought that we were in no particular hurry. I could take my time, gather the strength, do away with all the anger, bury it down with all the sobs, and Start…start afresh with you.

But, indeed, it was not to be- as my rational self had warned me some years back. Your presence in my life used to be like a fluttering experience. I was still a little kid. You were old and retired. Remember those candies you used to bring for me?? I have not been able to find the similar kind again. You were like a magical figure to me during those years. Everything used to seem so perfect, so fine, and so ‘normal’. I had not known anything beyond that. You were the centre of all my love, my attention, my respect. I still think of those days with a tear in my eye as the helplessness grows in me that I can’t go back to them. Those were perfect moments brimming with a sentiment that I have stopped feeling now. ...perhaps, you too! They stay frozen somewhere back in time...like a mystery. And they tease me today. They tell me that I have lost a part of me with them.

I can’t even tell exactly when and why we started this journey of distancing ourselves from each-other. But I can say that both of us did our very best in this procedure!!

Did you say that I didn’t try to give words to all that that had been left unsaid? I did. Sometimes, you did too. But never together!! And the attempts ended in sheer ignorance and indifference.

Until that day when I was told that you had had a paralytic attack accompanied by a heart attack. I didn’t know how to react. I felt a strong pain taking over my senses. I couldn’t think anymore. And all those emotions that I had safely dumped in a corner of my heart started surfacing. I wondered whether I would ever be able to tell you how much I loved you. Huh! Whoever said that the fear of loss makes us value what we have was right!

I did break that barrier and spent as much time as I could manage with you. I kept sitting by your side observing every tiny detail of your existence that I had consciously ignored for so long. It might sound very unfeeling on my part to say this..but somewhere that particular fear kept lurking in my heart. I didn’t know how long you’d stay with us, with me. So, I tried to absorb in as much of your modest existence as was possible for me.

And funny as it might seem, as soon as you recovered, that barrier began to surface!! AGAIN!! I hated myself for this. I called myself selfish. But there was nothing I could do about it.

Today, I have gotten over that flux of emotions and those emotional conflicts. I am pretty much at peace with my passive relationship with you and I have accepted the fact that what has been left unsaid will, probably, continue to be left so. But, still, as I see those old photographs or as I sleep after a weary day...I dream of you. It’s true- I miss you.

SOUL-MATE -dedicated to the one who knows

I settle down to think..when did you enter my life?? And let alone entering my life , when did u become an equivalent to my life?? It is almost threatening to realize that I am living a life I have no control over.

It wan an absolutely 'normal' day..the day we met!! It wasn't raining. It wasn't thundering. And I had no intuition of what the future had in store for me.

But then , Why did our first meet give me the hope that finally there was someone who could understand me?? Why did I feel like rushing to You each time I wanted to cry , or laugh , or be angry?? I did protest. I didn't want anyone , even you to have access to my sentiments , my thoughts , my life. Then why did your presence just seemed to increase in my being , not diminishing with any amount of resilience from me?? As far as I remember , I didn't give you this right!! But why did my subconscious keep telling me that You Didn't need the right to look into my life!! And my protests and conflicts which initiated largely within me ended there itself.

It surprises me now - how rightfully you integrated yourself into my Being , how easily our Beings melted and merged together , and how impossible it is today to distinguish between or separate the two!! Although , I have never asked this from you , but I am sure that you always knew what Destiny had thoughtfully written for us. It was just me who was trying to play an ignorant.

Remember the day we were going over to a friend's place and it started pouring heavily!! And my cute violet umbrella decided to turn upside down in order to become a water reservoir!! I am finally giving you the credit , it was your dutiful umbrella that finally saved our lives that day :) Isn't it exactly what you are for me - a protective shield that keeps all negative vibes away from me and at the same time , gives me the wings to fly high and realize my life in all the beautiful colors!!

We shared laughs , we shared tears , we shared relief , we fought , fought , and we fought badly , and we were there for each-other. No matter how far away you are , I know you are with me.

..irrespective of our faiths , distances , social ties and even the threats of mortality. People ask me , ''Will you two marry?''. I say , ''Is that a parameter??But we are together and we will always be.'' YES , you are my soul-mate.

THE ELIXIR OF LIFE

....And then my Being said to me...''u hav to make a choice between sense and nonsense! " i chose sense.

n i m regretting! life is absurd.n it needs us to be equally absurd and nonsensical to be able to enjoy it!!

take fr example : u leave home , well dressed..going to ur office or to college n it starts raining...raining heavy n u curse ur stars (or clouds,whatever :P )...why the hell did it hav to rain Now?!! u desperately look for an umbrella in ur bag n having found it , a grin settles on ur face..yeah..i hav fooled the nature!! n u praise urself for being sensible to hav kept an umbrella in the bag!

n just then..u spot a little boy...7-8 years old...the rib cage so prominently visible that u feel he has almost no skin on...wearing a pair of dusty,tattered shorts..running wild making a tyre roll on the streets..with absolutely no slippers on to protect his little feet from d dirt n stones! n then..you see his face..brimming with a joy u hav become strange to..! and for a while,u feel stupid and then,u realize that u r getting late n move on..leaving d child to his world of imagination , happiness , of nothing and still of everything , a world full of nonsensical wonder!

now tell me...fr a switch second , didnt u want to be in d place of that kid , despite all his prominent ribs n no slippers..ddnt u want to b him jus fr a moment to feel that joy??

and once u hav answered that question honestly to urself , u will understand that sometimes , its silly to b sensible because life's purest treasure lays in our ability to be able to put our inhibitions aside n just dive in in the moment. sometimes , jus listen to what ur heart says n follow it! there wil b people who wil say that u r doing nonsense.but there wil ba tym wen they too wil regret to hav been so sensible to hav lost the simple pleasures of life!!

MORAL : there's only one damn life...lets live it to the hilt!! ;)

THE SOUL IS CORRUPT!

this soul is corrupt..but i must go on n on!

this soul is corrupt..but life is more than jus some dusks n dawns!

with every second ticking away , this soul sees so much that goes around. it starts out with innocence n then it becomes more n more corrupt till one day , it says , ''no more!! ''.

n now..where do i take dis corrupt being that is not me?? unfortunately , there's no anti-corruption bureau in d domain of life!

i try to shrug this creature off but its grip is very strong. it says that it has strengthened itself over my weaknesses over these years. n i don't even know wen the process started.

but i move on.. n i remind myself that i will recognize myself again someday... after-all , hadn't someone said dat hope keeps us alive!!

:)

NOSTALGIA

ppl..i dedicate dis post 2 describing/mentioning ''THINGS OF D PAST THAT BRING A SMILE ON MY FACE BUT WHICH I WOULD NEVER WANT TO DO AGAIN'' !! :D
plz share ur experiences here..we might be buliding a beautiful n funny way to connect to a life dat had once been..that we had once lived..that seemed the most important at dat tym but remains nothing more except a faint memory now!!
n i m sure thre wil b many who wil connect to ur nostalgia :)

THE MEAN MACHINES

Black tinted films...hard core rims!

Jazzy ride with angel eyes..

hot chicks being hypnotized!

Smart denims n house n rock...

Bapu feels d cultural shock

A hand on horn , other on phone...

Gucci , Prada are on till dusk from dawn!

Twist n turn , drift n drag...

Pockets burn n mouths fag!

Dad is rich the boys brag...

Studies are only where they lag!

Evenings cheered with scotch n beer

pocketed pistols , F*** the fear

Don't even dare to stare!

I am a true Delhiite , my dear!!



But , no... inspite of having spent the most memorable part of my life in Delhi , i cannot really say that i identify completely with the above written piece of art!! :D
welll , this was one of the many forwarded messages that i received few days back. and although , no doubt , it does carry with it an element of truth...i strongly feel that it's incomplete. it looks like the work of a mind who has just started living in delhi and is trying to identify to its cool quotient and i don't deny - what has been written above is actually what the first impressions of ''Saddi Dilli' are for people!!
but , not as a gesture of defending myself but simply , for the sheer experience of having seen this place in all its colours in all these years , i can say that there's much more to delhi than this! when you come here for the first time , totally oblivious to what this city is gona offer you and totally miserable , you will suddenly realize that delhiites have a natural ability to make you feel like you have known them for years and that you are as much a part of this city as everyone else is. this is the place where you can find a strong cultural presence...arts , theater , dances , music , photography....you will find all sorts of freaks here who are totally enchanted by their work!
i confess , we might like to go the mean way sometimes , but at the end of the day we are nothing but people with sharp goals , impatience , and a natural compassion for life.
we are not just the mean machines , there's more to us... :)

THE BETTER HALF OF LIGHT : DARK ;)

i toss many thoughts into the eternal bin at the back of my mind...so that i can settle peacefully to describe what this moment in my life signifies for me.life,it seems,often takes the equivalent of ''should be bright and illuminated'' for many.but,as any person who loves to question the pre-existing set-ups,i end up pondering why we can't sometimes enjoy the dark.and having said this,i get reminded of a saying that goes something like this - people constantly need light to be able to hide their internal darkness!!

the point is that,if you are able to justify what you are doing to your self..that is,to your inner..you don't need an external source of light to hold up your life.and it is for this reason,that you will never try to escape the dark.infact,in a serene and beautiful way,you will fall in love with it.if you are happy,the world will assume happy dimensions for you.but no,the reverse does not always hold true.

the rules for the game are tricky and you understand only with experience..having seen various shades of black n white; dark n light; inner n outer..!

the only trick that i have been able to learn in all these years is to play with both phases;)

THE WORLD OF EXPECTATIONS

And yes..we are constantly living in a world of expectations!!

As a child...one is constantly expecting the love of those immediately around (as unconscious and instinctive it might be) ; as a teenager , the expectation takes the form of the appreciation from the peers (the cool quotient ;) ) ; n then we grow up and enter the real world which at once , threatens to engulf our entire existence with its magnificence , it is then that we experience the real play of our emotions , experiences and expectations! and to make a mention , it is quite enchanting!

just examine your life till date , and you will be surprised to see how miraculously things work in our everyday life and how it affects some point deep within our conscious and subconscious.

and you are right , these are not just the biggies of life i am talking about! look at how your day starts with little expectations and ends with the same...expecting a cupa coffee in the morning...hoping that your boss catches flu;) ...wishing that while celebrating a friend's birthday party , you get the largest share of chocolate cake...and wanting a better next day before going to bed at night!

somehow , expectations take a form equivalent to being alive...expecting something is to want to improve , to make more meaning out of one's being! and for those who have become indifferent and just don't bother to interfere in the routine and games of life - guys , WAKE UP ! just keep playing your part with a new strategy everyday..winning is not the motive , playing is!!